My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
How software testing works
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]