Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
When you’re here for the treats.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
