mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore