may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like