You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
is this meant to deter me
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”