My safe word is Worcestershire
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.