funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I only say stupid things when I talk.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.