i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Bro what is this
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes