Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
Glasses
