My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
A man of commitment.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”