We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.