7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
saw this in a dream
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
The honesty is refreshing
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear