I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet