Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me