The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Driving in Europe vs Canada
