If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
when you don’t want to be too vague
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming