I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
They’re the worst 😩
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
my favorite genre of twitter
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us