911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.