My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
one of
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Going to church you guys need anything
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.