I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
