the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location