I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
No, I don’t think I will.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.