i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Not now. I’m deglazing.