Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Fixed this for Shakespeare
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
