Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
This could’ve been an email.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?