I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?