Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Livid.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
OKAY DAD
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.