Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
