Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
i think both sides are to blame here
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*