I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card