friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one