Typos are what differentiates is from robots
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute