This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I bet birds love this building.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
A ghost story
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane