“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.