My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
not to brag, but mine was free
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.