Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Midwest trash talk
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
The real reason evolution started..😂
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit