Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
best review i’ve ever seen
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*