I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”