*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
buys donuts instead
These dogs look like they have good credit.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
That’s what I call a flat tire
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
idk what this dog had been going through but same
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.