My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.