Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name