Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
bad news gang
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching