Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
You saw nothing. I am ham.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Holy crap this is wonderful
Ooh I do like a good funnel
