My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
fourth time’s the charm
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…