reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
fourth time’s the charm
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah