When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.