I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I’m already scared
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”