My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
We found love in a hopeless place.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.