I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
what the hell pray for carter everyone
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
any last words?
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.