I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
If you know, you know 😂🚔
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
