I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
when u come home smelling like another dog
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume