Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
New favorite tiktok
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.