[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
🍞🦆
