I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
me when somebody idk start touching me
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.