surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
