If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
oh she’s cooked
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
